A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
#1

It's a long one, but too funny! Colin will like this one! :pdt12:

 

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty

Queen Elizabeth II

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for

President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of

the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look

up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over

all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she

does not fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America

without the need for further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated

next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

 

-----------------------

 

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'

'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the

suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to

acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

 

------------------------

 

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as

''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft

know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into

account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

 

-------------------

 

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

-----------------

 

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that

you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for

shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or

speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

 

----------------------

 

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

----------------------

 

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of

humour.

 

--------------------

 

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling

gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

-------------------

 

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are

not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

-------------------

 

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer

at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,

and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as

Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the

greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are

also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American

brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be

sold without risk of further confusion.

 

---------------------

 

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings

and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a

cheese grater.

 

---------------------

 

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper

football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be

allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but

does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full

kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

---------------------

 

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let

you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

--------------------

 

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

-----------------

 

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies

due (backdated to 1776).

 

---------------

 

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,

and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus

strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

God Save the Queen!

 

 

 

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour.

Marion J Chard
Proud Daughter of Walter (Monday) Poniedzialek
540th Engineer Combat Regiment, 2833rd Bn, H&S Co, 4th Platoon
There's "No Bridge Too Far"
Reply
#2

You should be so lucky!!! :lol:

 

Colin. (Candidate for Secretary of State for ice-cream and cookies)

Reply
#3

You have my vote! Can we second that?

Marion J Chard
Proud Daughter of Walter (Monday) Poniedzialek
540th Engineer Combat Regiment, 2833rd Bn, H&S Co, 4th Platoon
There's "No Bridge Too Far"
Reply
#4

Is there a place for me, too? Ministry of silly walks?

 

Christoph

Reply
#5

Yes, just spoke with Monty Python, and they made you official Minister of Silly Walks. Congrats on your promotion!!!

Marion J Chard
Proud Daughter of Walter (Monday) Poniedzialek
540th Engineer Combat Regiment, 2833rd Bn, H&S Co, 4th Platoon
There's "No Bridge Too Far"
Reply
#6

That's alright, my escape plan was to move to another member of the commonwealth anyway - New Zealand!

Maj Todd O. USMC, Retired
Grandson of LTC John O'Brien
Reply


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